Who Are You | Tracks In The Dust

Archive for the tag “Who Are You”

10 Jul 2012

What Will Other People Think?

Growing up, I remember my adolescent days of wanting to be part of the “in group” – the group that was leading the trends, the people who were at the front of the room in school and popular. I thought if I pleased everyone, I too could be accepted into the popular groups. At that time it seemed like I was always preoccupied with the idea of what other people were thinking.

One of the things I have noticed lately is that even as we all grow up, what others think appears to be many adults preoccupation. So many of the professional people around me seem to want acceptance of others beyond all else. Even in my family there have been struggles over the years on being “people pleasing”. It causes them to twist and turn their lives into places that aren’t really who they genuinely are.

When you constantly worry about what other people think, you can easily get caught in an emotional trap. In reality, you don’t have to please everybody any more than your ability to please everybody allows. It’s that false sense of panic to think that in order to be happy, you must be loved and validated by everyone you meet. Inside you know it’s just not how it works, but you do it anyway.

If you feel controlled or manipulated, its likely that you’re allowing yourself to be controlled or manipulated. It’s good to stand up for what’s right, but no one can pressure you unless you allow them to. Perhaps you don’t see it, or you ignore it, but it can happen easily. Inside your head you want acceptance, and you may be willing to color things to feel like you are not being controlled, but it can happen anyway.

It’s OK to be strong and center yourself on who you really are. How often do we fool ourselves to think it is more spiritual centered to just be quiet and put up with it all. But God doesn’t expect you to be run over by everyone you meet, you are made to be strong and be yourself.

How often are there missed opportunities in our lives that we let pass by? Do we find ourselves burying our talents, our sensibility and throwing them aside in order to please others, to be accepted. Then ironically, we get angry at our circumstances and allow even more control to be sacrificed to others for the sake of being accepted. We wonder how we got where we are.

In the end, it’s good to be ourselves, let the “people pleasing” efforts come out as a result of being ourselves. Don’t let it rule your life. We can allow our spiritual life to guide us to the relationships that are around us, and we will be accepted. Centering yourself on being who you are and not what others want you to be. You will find your goals will change and what you want out of life will be refreshing and personal. You know what other people will think?… won’t you?

22 Jun 2012

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Being Authentic

I have always hoped that my kids would grow up understanding the importance of being “authentic”. I think that is a word that may have many meanings to depending on your perspective; genuine, not fake or false, an original/not a copy, something has significance perhaps. Authentic shouldn’t be confused with “original” though, since we all are original, no two exactly alike. We are all God’s people because of that difference.

But to me, people who are authentic have conviction to be who they are because they are aware of themselves. Sure, over the years of growing up and even in adulthood we continue to try to emulate others; like our heroes, our parents, our mentors in living and faith, even our closest and dearest friends and lovers. And we should. Like I said in a previous post, I think we are a mosaic of all the people we have had contact with that have influenced us (good or bad). But we get to decide in the final pass what that means. It is our internal psyche that is going to accept or deny the picture of who we are.

But really didn’t want to take scientific route, I am just expecting my children to continue to be authentic. Be aware of others around them, who they are and what might have brought those people to that moment in time to intersect with our lives. But be genuine then. Be right with yourself. I laugh as I remember when they were growing up how they would desperately need to wear clothes and have their hair like their favorite rock stars. They would wear the latest anti-fashions, say words they could only have heard from other places. They would call others “posers”, when in fact they were themselves. But as they got older things changed outwardly, and hair and clothes changed with them. But always as parents we always asked them to remain true to themselves.

So I keep thinking “be authentic”. Start by being real, start by not lying to yourself about things in your life and how you treat others. Start by depending on your spiritual compass to make positive decisions. Kind of like the accountability scale I posted a while back, you have to be able to admit your mistakes, own your own situation. Then treat others that way. The adage “do onto others…” I think means being genuine to yourself first, and then to the people around you. No matter if those people are only a moment in your life as you travel through it, or family, or intended to be a lifelong dear friends… treat them authentically.

Posted in Doing Things That Will Change Your Life, Learning Lessons Along the Journey Of Life and tagged Change, Definitions, friends and lovers, life is precious, Opinion, Reality Check, relationships, Religion and Spirituality, Self-Awareness, Truth, Who Are You

01 Jun 2012

Applying Labels

I suppose there is a basic human need for people to want to identify things with a label.

Some people use those little label making machines and label everything in their office or home so there is a sense of organization, others at the grocery store examine labels for contents to be sure they understand what they are eating, while others desperately work to label the identity of the people around them.

Labeling people seems to be a very challenging exercise, sometimes using only one label when another may be just as applicable. Just trying to find a single label that can apply is very dangerous, with it comes all the assumptions of what that label can mean because of personal prejudice or society’s definition.

Labels may be a political one, or about your religion or choice of partners. But there are labels everywhere. It’s not like labeling the container in your kitchen “sugar” when there is sugar in it. Pretty easy, because you can be pretty sure that is what it is when you see it and taste it. Labeling people is so much more difficult to do. With those labels also come some preconceived notions of what that means about the person.

There is a great sense of order by grouping things that seem to be alike under one label. For many of us it is a need. Coming out of that, there is a sense of leaving less to the unknown by having labels assigned. Labels seem to provide peace-of-mind that we know about our world around us. It confirms that we are in control.

Without labels we can lack the idea of being aware of our world, often it may threaten our perceptions of things. How can something be good and bad at the same time? Where are the lines that define the shades of grey? Who decides? It can be defined by opinion or a vote… but who’s opinion and what vote?

So today I am struck by the casual and frequent comments I hear all around me about people and their labels for someone else, and how often that leads to misunderstanding, hatred, prejudice and the lack of willingness to know any more once the label is “assigned”. It can cause a lot of conflict that makes relationships disintegrate, make friends move on, and choices for the future be skewed.

Of course we all have our own personal labels, those that identify us. We create those as we live our lives and make our choices. We often may be proud of that definition. We should. We may not share that with everyone else, because that alone could lead to a label that others may choose not to understand.

Posted in Doing Things That Will Change Your Life and tagged Acceptance, Definitions, Fear, Grace, Label, Life, Opinion, People, personal prejudice, preconceived notions, society, Who Are You

29 May 2012

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Some Days are Movies, Some Days are Books

Some days are movies, some days are books.

There are those days that seem really fluid, like some sort of compact movie with a plot that has a beginning in something simple and builds to an ending all balled up in 2 hours. It is like some director is moving the characters in and out of the scenes ( of which you all seem to be in). Or you are hearing the storyline unfold through a strange set of circumstances. Things are registering, things are happening, but in some way you are still connected in a distant way. There is a soundtrack complete with meaningful and selected subject matter intended to shape the mood. A lot of background is out of focus, but you don’t mind. You are seeing it as a sweeping story of your life.

Yet, there are other days that seem like a book. Each and every detail is carefully drawn out to get you to turn the page. The details are descriptive, intense and in some crazy way going in slower motion than you would expect. There is dialog that is meaningful, there are surroundings that have significance. But the whole thing feels like an author ( you actually) is building the plot like some final distant conclusion on a page near the back cover. And the characters are deep and move in and out of the pages like a rhythm that is comfortable, with room enough for several sub-plots.

So I know that I don’t always get to choose. It can be a surprise that can somehow be pleasant, or cause a lot of frustration. It’s like that feeling of being distracted when watching a movie with a lot of dialog, or looking up from a page in a novel and having to go back and read it again- just to keep the story in context.

Today was a movie. And now that it is nearly the end of the day and the credits will be rolling, thinking about tomorrow…well who knows? Kind of okay with that, brings itself some adventures that will always be adding to the plotline, always be making a new soundtrack or revealing a new twist in the characters with in.

Either way, I can make it work.

Posted in Learning Lessons Along the Journey Of Life and tagged Acceptance, Books, Change, coping, life is precious, Memories, Movies, Slow Down, Who Are You

30 Apr 2012

4 Comments

Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. That’s what my wife has been reflecting on often these past weeks, and it is something seems to apply to so many things in life.

Here in America, perhaps it goes along with being a country full of “consumers”. Mass consumption can get so extreme that creates the notion that getting more of everything that others have, getting the super-sized item or getting the most valuable item means contentment. It’s like the thought is: “after all, if we earned it we should deserve it”. Some see it as being able to do whatever you want and some others doing it in spite of what others want; often without considering any consequences. I have heard it said “If it is not illegal or immoral, just go ahead if you can afford it. “

Sadly it seems there are so many messages in the course of a day that just keep working on influencing our sensibilities. Upgrade your car, your home, your life… or make sure you are always happy. Don’t get left behind and be certain you have the newest! Whatever the message it feels like it is aimed at you to be sure you can measure your value in life somehow. Whether it’s on the media or from the people around you, it can appeal to your peace-of-mind, or the need to be recognized by others.

Sometimes it isn’t as serious as much as it is perhaps ironic. Out shopping at a local large discount store on the weekends, I see people who are wearing clothes that don’t flatter them, really don’t fit them or worse yet make them look like they are wearing someone else’s clothes. Seriously, just because they make those short-shorts in that green glowing color in their size does not mean they should be wearing them! Funny really- not that everyone shouldn’t have a positive body image, but there are times when it is worthy of a chuckle.

In other cases it is so much more subtle. Some divorced friends of mine in the past wrestled for legal custody of their children. It was obvious who would come out on the side of custody, but just because it could be done, didn’t mean it should. The children get the wrong end of the settlement, and the awarded parent just “could” and therefore did.

While yet so many other couples we know, just keep working themselves to death to help pay off their debit because they have bought so much on credit. Just because they could, they did- they bought things and went places- on credit. It made them happy temporarily and then over time, it pushed them into the brink of disaster in their personal lives and their relationship because they realized the things around them did nothing to validate who they really were wanting to be.

It can work that way in life I think. Just because you can own it, doesn’t mean you should. Just because you can take it, doesn’t mean you should. Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you always should. Consuming all you can devour for the sake of doing it… is more than simply self-centered road…it also affects others around you in so many ways.

There are so many better doors to go through, so many more roads to take. So many more reasons to take them… and most of those you can take just because they are there- if you choose to take them…because you can.